Some Hearts
by Chris Anthony
Summary: Even though Derek is with Addison, he can't get Meredith out of his head, because she's the only woman he wants. Izzie and Alex come to terms with their feelings for each other, even if those feelings are love disguised as hate. Major MerDer & AlexIzzie
1. Paper Hearts

AN: This is my first ever Grey's Anatomy fic, and I haven't seen all of the episodes yet so I'm still working on the characters. This takes place after episode 2:17, but some things may be different from the show. Also this story is mostly MerDer & Alex/Izzie with some Burtina. Please review and tell me what you think, because I would like to know if this is good enough to continue.

Chapter 1- Paper Hearts

"I don't want to get up, so if anyone asks where I am then just tell them I died." Meredith thought it over. "Stop looking at me like that guys, I have a reason to be like this."

"Derek?" Izzie asked as she uncrossed her arms and tried to appear supportive, even though she knew she would be leaving Meredith in the next five minutes. Izzie had to get to work, because the last thing she wanted was for Bailey to hear about her being late. Even when the Nazi was off, she still knew everything that happened in the hospital. Izzie turned to look at George. It was obvious that he wasn't going anywhere, so maybe she would just leave now? Izzie inched towards the door, but George passed her a disappointed look. "What George?"

Meredith sighed and then pulled the pillow over her head. "I swear if you're calling Cristina then…"

"No, no Cristina," Izzie said with a laugh, "Besides I'm pretty sure she is already at work trying to pick out the best patient." Izzie sat down on the edge of Meredith's bed, and then looked down at her with worry. "Does it have anything to do with what happened yesterday?"

"It's not Derek! Not everything is about him! There are many other men on this earth, and I'm sure one of them has better hair, a better smile, and is better suited for the nickname McDreamy! Dammit!"

Izzie raised her eyebrows and then cautiously stepped away from Meredith. She glanced at George and then threw her hands up in the air. "I'm sorry, I tried."

George nodded in Izzie's direction and then approached Meredith himself. "So what is it Mer?"

"I don't want to talk about it." Meredith pulled the covers up to her chin and looked around the room blankly. "I just don't feel like going to work, I don't want to deal with patients, I don't want to deal with death, and I definitely don't want to deal with…"

George looked down because he knew that no matter what Meredith said it had to do with Derek. "Can I get you something?"

"Yeah, a ticket out of this place,"

George nodded, "We should do something."

Meredith snorted.

George immediately went into alert mode. He didn't mean for his last comment to sound like a pick-up line, because he was horrible at them, and especially with Meredith. "Um…I meant I ur…um…I mean with Izzie, and Cristina…"

Meredith forced a smile on her face as she patted George's shoulder. "I got what you meant, I'm just not up for it, and I'm fine really." She shook her head when images of the explosion flashed into her mind. "I'll be fine, seriously George you should get to work."

"No, I can't just…"

"I'm fine," Meredith asserted as she pushed back the covers and then pulled herself upwards.

George couldn't help but to notice the black lace panties that Meredith was wearing, he looked away quickly as Meredith noticed his gaze. "Are you coming to work?" He asked in a shaky tone.

"Yeah, I was planning on getting up eventually, just not right away." Meredith rummaged around in her closet for what she was going to wear that day. The sound of rain falling from the shutters echoed loudly in her ears, "Of course it rains today, just perfect,"

"We're in Seattle, it always rains," George replied. He looked down at the floor as he walked out.

Meredith looked over her shoulder. She watched as the rain fell in a steady rhythm drowning out the world. Usually she loved the rain, but not today, because she knew today was going to be a bad day. Whenever she got these feelings she always trusted them, because 99 percent of the time her feelings were right. Meredith sighed to herself as she thought about Derek. She missed him, and she hated that. If only she could get over him, then she wouldn't get this sickening heart ache whenever she looked into his eyes, or felt his hands on her skin. Meredith groaned and then tilted her head to the side. She was starting to get pathetic, what she needed was for Cristina to come over and smack her around a little bit.

"Cream cheese bagel?" George asked walking back into the room. He looked everywhere except at Meredith as he handed her the bagel.

"Not hungry,"

"C'mon you can't start the day off without eating."

"I'll get something at the cafeteria if I'm hungry later, but right now I'm feeling a little queasy." Meredith stood up, and then walked past George, "Thanks though, you should get to work before your stuck checking rectums all day."

George scowled, Yeah, um, thanks for that." Feeling a little sick himself he tossed the bagel in the trash and quickly headed towards the door.

* * *

"Good morning Stevens," Derek said as he stepped into the break room with Izzie.

She looked up from the patient's report that she was filling out and then gave him a warm smile. "Hey,"

He sat down across from her.

Izzie looked back at him slightly surprised, "Can I help you with something because I…"

"How is she?"

"Meredith," Izzie replied.

Derek looked around and then nodded. "Yeah, how is she. I saw her yesterday but we weren't able to talk long because I had um…stuff to do." He nodded. "Is she okay?"

"Well with the exception of not feeling like coming to work today I would say she's just fine."

Derek scowled, "Meredith didn't want to come to work?" He could understand why she would want to avoid the hospital after the bomb scare but he had never labeled Meredith as a quitter, in fact he knew she wasn't. "She'll be here,"

"Okay, whatever you say." Izzie capped her pen and then grabbed her clipboard. "I have to get these to Burke, see ya around."

Derek looked after her. He wasn't scheduled to clock in for another hour so maybe he could visit Meredith, and check on her. After seeing her last night, she had left him with more questions than answers. Derek stood up and then checked his pager. He was going to pay Meredith a visit. He knew that it was against his better judgment, but he cared about her too much to just pretend that he didn't care.

* * *

"You wore those tight scrub pants for me didn't you?" Alex asked running down the hallway towards Izzie.

Izzie ignored him. She stepped into the room where she had last seen Burke, but he was gone. "Where is he?"

"You looking for me?" Alex asked with a cocky smile.

Izzie placed her hand on his chest and pushed him away, but Alex reached for her hand, and then grinned back at her. "What the hell do you want?"

Alex tilted his head to the side as moved Izzie's hand across his chest. A couple patients and doctors walking past looked at them in surprise.

Izzie pulled back. "Have you forgotten that we're in a hospital, a professional place, a job, get over yourself for a second and help me find Burke."

Alex looked after Izzie as she started to walk away at a brisk speed. He smiled to himself as he focused on her backside. Seconds later he was behind her again, "If I help you find him, what are you going to do for me?"

"Nothing," Izzie peered around the corner. She turned around and bumped right into Alex. She groaned and then pushed him away, "Can I breathe? Why the hell are you right up on me breathing down my neck?"

"You asked for my help."

"I didn't ask for anything from you."

"Want to go out tonight?"

"I'm busy."

"Yeah right," Alex said rolling his eyes.

Izzie scoffed, "Excuse me?"

"What's with the attitude? Is it one of those days?" Alex asked as he leaned against the wall.

"One of _those_ days are you kidding me?"

Alex shook his head, "All women have them, and I'm assuming today is one of those days for you. Raging, hostile behavior, the bulging eyeballs, the mean ass glare you're giving me right now…yeah I'm predicting a PMS takeover."

"You idiot!" Izzie hit him and then pushed him away.

"Is there a problem here?" Doctor Webber asked as he walked towards them.

"No sir, I was just looking for Doctor Burke." Izzie said quickly.

"Suck up," Alex muttered.

"I haven't seen him, have you tried paging him?" Webber asked.

Izzie nodded, "I have but…" She watched as Webber's eyes drifted down the hallway to a patient that was just being admitted into the hospital, "I'll try paging him again."

"Okay, excuse me." Webber said.

Alex watched as Webber ran down the hallway towards the patient and then stepped closer to Izzie. "Let's get drunk tonight, go crazy, have sex."

"What did I tell you? We're through having sex." Izzie whispered in a harsh tone.

Before she could turn away Alex grabbed her arm and pulled her towards him, "We're not through."

* * *

This was ridiculous, even in the privacy of her own shower Meredith couldn't get Derek out of her head. She reached for her shampoo bottle, it was the lavender kind that he liked so much. She sighed as she squirted the liquid into the palm of her hand. What she needed to do was focus on something else. Of course there was her mom, but Meredith didn't want to think about her mom, because that would only make her more depressed.

"Okay, you're just not going to think." She said aloud. Meredith looked around at the steam that was clouding over the bathroom, and making it unbearably hot. As she closed her eyes she imagined Derek stepping into the shower with her. Of course he would already be wet, but back to the point…he would kiss her, and tell her that it was really her that he wanted. Meredith slowly opened her eyes. The empty shower screamed back at her, making her remember that Derek had chosen Addison. At some point she had to accept that.

Meredith turned off the shower and then stepped out onto the bare floor. She sighed, Izzie was at it again. Whenever Izzie got stressed she cleaned, and when she was happy she cleaned, basically the girl never stopped cleaning. Meredith looked down at the puddle of water that was starting to form beneath her feet. The rugs were probably in the dryer so she had to take them out before she left.

The doorbell rang.

Meredith turned around. She waited for five minutes and then walked towards the sink. All of their toothbrushes looked alike, so she was never sure which one was hers. Why did Izzie and George have to get the same spinning toothbrush with the blue bristles as her, it was cool at the time, but not anymore. She reached for a tube of vanilla mint toothpaste and then applied an even layer over the bristles. Since it was technically her house she might demand that they get new toothbrushes. After she was brushed her teeth Meredith grabbed her towel and wrapped it loosely around her waist.

The doorbell rang again.

"Damn it," She sighed. Meredith opened the bathroom door and slowly walked down the stairs. "If you're trying to sell something then I don't want it."

"What could I possibly sell you?" Derek replied from outside.

Meredith's mouth opened in shock. What was he doing here now? She wasn't even dressed. Maybe she wouldn't answer the door, because there was no way that alone time with him would do her any good. "What are you doing here?"

"Oh is that how you say hi to me now? Like I'm some escaped convict that's hunting you down? Meredith, I just want too…are you really going to make me talk to you through the door?"

"I'm not…" Meredith looked down at her fluffy purple towel. He didn't have to know that she wasn't dressed. "I'm…"

"I have to scrub in soon, so if you don't want to talk now then I'll just leave."

No, he couldn't leave, because she wanted to talk to him. No, stay Derek, stay. But then again she knew that they were over, so all talking to him would do was make her feel worse. But Meredith opened the door anyways. God Derek made her a weak, weak woman and she didn't like it one bit. Well except for when they were together.

Derek's mouth dropped open as his eyes scanned over her towel. He had always been really smooth so he closed his mouth within seconds and passed her a certified McDreamy smile. Confident, sexy, and sincere.

"It's not like you haven't seen me naked before," Meredith bit her tongue as soon as she made the statement. This was going to be harder that she thought. What the hell was wrong with her? Why was she flirting with McDreamy when there were so many other things going on? He should be the last priority on her list, but somehow he always managed to come first, or at least a close second.


	2. Hiding Away Love

AN: Thanks so much to everyone that reviewed the first chapter. I really appreciated the feedback, and hope you guys like this chapter as well. Once again I haven't seen the episodes so this story won't involve everything that's happened in the show:) And I am bad with medical terms so I'll try to keep the medicine really general, so I don't mess up the story before I even get started.

Chapter 2- Hiding Away Love

She was definitely beautiful. Derek thought he looked back at Meredith with a sexy towel wrapped around her body. From the way Meredith was standing with her arm stretched out against the wall he could tell that she didn't want him to come inside. But for some reason he wanted to tell Meredith that he hadn't been able to sleep at all last night because of her. What if she had died? Then they would be left just like this. There were obviously feelings between them still, and it went deeper than just sex, but he was with Addison now. Sometimes he wondered why he had chosen Addison over Meredith; either he was stupid, or just fulfilling the duties that he had signed up for as Addison's husband. Derek took a deep breath as the rain continued to beat down on him, drenching his clothes with cold rain that was now seeping underneath his clothes. Yeah, the rain was cold, and not to mention his hair was getting messed up, but he was lost in Meredith's gaze. Her eyes were so blue, and her lips. God her lips, he had kissed them so many times. Tasted every inch of her mouth, and her body and he wanted more. All it took was for Meredith to stroll past him and his mind automatically shifted into sex mode. Derek wanted to get Meredith out of her scrubs and onto the operating table, and perform his own body search on her, but then again he believed that he loved her as well.

Derek blinked. Did he really love her?

Meredith bit her lip as she looked back at him, "You're hair is getting wet."

He snapped out of his brief comatose state, and then pushed past her. Derek grinned to himself as he picked up the latest issue of the Seattle Times which was waiting on the nightstand. Meredith closed the door behind him and then followed him into the kitchen. He stopped and turned around. "The place looks good."

Meredith sighed as she ran her hands through her damp dirty blonde locks. "I didn't do anything,"

"Izzie cleaned?"

Meredith nodded, "And she went with George to Ikea to buy all this junk. I don't like it, none of it, I want it all out of my house." She glanced over her shoulder at Derek who was focusing on her toned legs. "Why are you here?"

"Just making sure you came in today." Derek lied.

Meredith scoffed, "And if I didn't come in today what does that have to do with you."

"I'm you're boss," Derek replied. He shook the rain from his hair and then leaned against the counter, "And I deserve the right to be worried."

Meredith wrapped her arms around her body. "You don't have to worry about me. I'm fine."

Derek nodded. He didn't look as if he believed her though. "Really?"

Meredith nodded. She wasn't the best liar especially when it came to Derek or even Cristina, damn them both for seeing right through her. Meredith clenched her jaw as Derek rested his arm against the counter. "Aren't you supposed to be clocked in now?"

"Maybe,"

"People could be dying you know," Meredith added.

Derek smiled, "Not on my watch, I'm not scheduled to be in for another…" He looked down at his watch and then smiled, "Another fifteen minutes Mere, but as for you, you're late."

Meredith dropped her head and nodded as she rolled her eyes. "Then report me to Bailey okay,"

Derek shook his head, "Bailey is too busy with her new baby boy, and besides I'm above her…"

"Derek." Meredith warned.

"What?" He asked.

Meredith started to feel weak in her knees as she looked back at him. He was so damn cute. Okay, she had to stop thinking about McDreamy. Meredith glanced towards the counter. Derek moved from the spot he was standing before and into her line of view. He was doing this on purpose now. Seriously, what was wrong with him? He chose Addison, but yet whenever Meredith turned around there he was. She felt cheated because it seemed as if Derek had actually chosen her, but yet she still felt like the cheap consolation prize at the fair that no one wanted. God, she really needed to stop thinking like this. Derek was a distraction. Yes, he was a hot distraction, but yet he was still a distraction that was interfering with her career. Okay, maybe she was being a little dramatic.

"What are you thinking about?" Derek asked with a dashing smile.

Meredith could tell that he thought she was thinking about him. "I was thinking about the last time I got my hair done, my conditioner stopped working and it's really pissing me off,"

"I like you're hair like that…it's all fluffy and I like it. Don't change it."

Meredith took in a deep breath. Her excuse was so bad, how could he not see right through her?

"You should get dressed so we can leave,"

"You're not driving me to the hospital, I have my own car. Thanks though, but I can get there on my own."

Derek watched as Meredith walked towards the back and then turned around. "Where are you going?"

"To get dressed." Meredith replied.

Derek unbuttoned the top button of his pale yellow shirt. "It's hot in here,"

Meredith could scream at him. What the hell was he thinking, trying to drag her into the Garden of Eden at such a time? She was late for work, he was married, and not to mention she almost died yesterday. "I'll see you at work,"

"Mere,"

Meredith turned around with an exaggerated sigh. She was being short with him, but this was her way of covering up her pain. Last night she opened up to him and told him how she felt. Meredith basically told him that she missed kissing him of all things. Her eyes drifted towards Derek's lips. His lips were always soft and they tasted good. She was officially a hopeless case. "You've got five minutes to get to work, now it looks like we're both late." She pointed out as she took the steps upstairs two at a time.

Derek looked down at the counter. He couldn't explain why, but he just wanted to hug her. Derek closed his eyes. Meredith had come so close to death yesterday, and he almost lost her. He stepped away from the counter and made his way upstairs. He never wanted to come that close to loosing her again.

* * *

"I'll be right back with you sir," Izzie said as she looked down at her pager.

"My leg still hurts, will the pain go away anytime soon because it's killing me." Her patient complained.

Izzie smiled back at him. "Just keep your leg elevated, and try and not move it around too much."

The patient sighed, "Damn, it looks like I'm not going to get to my wrestling thing…shit, I bet money on that."

Izzie shook her head as she walked out. Today she was in a good mood. Even though it was raining, and she slept with Alex in a closet the other day, she felt good. Izzie scowled as she flashed back to her closet tryst with Alex. It wasn't even all that good. Well…who was she kidding it was. Izzie smirked. But Alex never had to know that. He did nothing to deserve compliments on his sex skills. She looked up as Alex rushed past with another intern and a gurney with a severely wounded patient. Speak of the devil.

"Hey, why are you just standing around?" Cristina asked walking over to Izzie with a pad in her hand. "There's plenty of good jobs today, I got to scrub in already for one surgery, and did you know one of the patients has a hammer in his head."

Izzie frowned, "A hammer?"

Cristina nodded with pleasure, "I swear all the idiots come to this hospital."

"Did he faint?" Izzie asked as she hurried to catch up with Cristina who was speed walking down the hall.

"No, he was just hammering nails into the wall and then the hammer slipped and the sharp end got lodged into his head."

"The sharp end?" Izzie asked confused.

Cristina shrugged, "I told you he's an idiot. I don't know where the hell he got that hammer from but he needs to sue the company that sold it…and then sue himself."

Izzie smiled, "Sue himself?"

Cristina passed her a dead serious look, "Yes, sue himself for wasting my time."

Izzie couldn't help but to smirk at Cristina's latest comment. Her blonde ponytail bounced behind her as she shook her head. "I guess Meredith's still not here."

"Don't tell me she had another feeling,"

"Last time her feeling was real." Izzie pointed out.

"It was a freak accident." Cristina headed down the hall and then paused, "Is she doing better?"

"Yeah, I think." Izzie responded to the back of Cristina's head.

Cristina nodded and then continued to walk down the hall. Burke walked past her, and she said a very quick "hi" before rounding the corner with the speed of a sprinter.

"Stevens you need something to do?" Burke asked.

"No, I was just going to check on my patient right now,"

* * *

Meredith was now dressed and ready for work. She felt like shit because she was late. Meredith turned on the faucets and then splashed some warm water on her face. She had to wake up. The last thing she needed was to fall asleep during her shift after showing up to work this late. She turned off the faucets and then blindly reached for a towel. If she was still a kid then she would have definitely forged some excuse, but the fact was that she wasn't a kid anymore. And no matter how hard life was, or how many bombs nearly blew her to smithereens she was an adult, and she had to face life. The soft fabric of a towel came into her grasp, and then she felt someone's hand. Meredith squeezed the hand, and then snatched the towel. Why didn't he leave yet? She wiped away the droplets of water on her face and looked back at Derek. She wanted to be mad at him, but she couldn't, because she had no reason to be mad. Meredith leaned against the bathroom sink because he was so close. She could smell his cologne, it smelled so good. And she had grown so accustomed to that woody sexy masculine scent, it drove her wild. Meredith's heart started to flutter as she looked back at him. Why was he looking at her like that? Like she was the only one in this world that mattered, and even more importantly why would he leave work, clocked in or not, just to see her.

Derek clenched his jaw, and then let out a sigh.

Meredith watched him. They were late now, and they had to get to the hospital because they would get…her thoughts trailed off. What kind of doctor in training was she? Her job should come first not him…not McDreamy. His hair was still wet, and Meredith hated to admit it, but even when his hair was wet it still looked perfect. She opened her mouth to speak, but her words were lost.

Derek obviously wanted to say something as well, but he seemed stricken dumb by love or lust…or whatever the hell they shared as well. He brought his face closer.

Sirens were going off in her head. Meredith knew that she shouldn't do this. He was with Satan, he was married to her, and that woman had her dog! No, this wasn't right. But then again, it was just one kiss. Yesterday, she told him that she couldn't remember the last time they had been this close, and he had remembered. He looked as if he missed this, missed them, the time they shared together whether it was in bed or just talking. Meredith felt her cheeks start to flush with warmth as if she had suddenly developed some kind of fever. If she didn't kiss him now, then when would she ever get the chance to kiss him again? Meredith loved Derek, and she wanted him to know that. She needed him to know that especially now, when nothing in her life made sense except for this.

Derek placed his hands against the sink as he brought his face closer to Meredith's. Addison was in the back of his head, but right now he didn't care. He just wanted Meredith, and nothing else.


	3. Breathe Me

Thank you so much guys for reviewing last chapter. You all rock, and this chapter is a little longer so I hope ya'll like it. I'm going to use some things from last night's episode like Mark & Addison for example, but the sequence of events will be different, and Mark may stay awhile just for jealousy purposes with Derek. I'm not going to have Meredith sleep with George…at least I'm not planning on it. If anyone has questions, ask and I will answer, and also if any characters seem OC then just let me know, because I'm still working on understanding everyone on the show. Also I apologize for any errors, it's one o' clock in the morning, and I wanted to post this before I fell asleep on it! Thanks again:)

Chapter 3- Breathe Me

Derek loved Meredith. As he stared deep into her hypnotizing baby blue saucers, his hand slowly inched towards her dirty blonde tresses. Her hair was always soft. He would never date a woman with hair that he couldn't run his hands through. His body yearned to get closer to Meredith. Right now it didn't matter if he was late, and it was all because of her. Derek had always been dependable, in a matter of fact it was his quota. Being a doctor ruled his life, because he desired to save as many patients as possible, and not to mention he had his eye on the chief of surgery title after Webber retired. Derek leaned forward and inhaled the seducing scent of Meredith's hair. His job was very important to him, but so was she. Meredith meant the world to him, and she would probably never know that. With Addison still in the picture Derek couldn't be as open with Meredith as he wanted. His nose rested against her cheek, and he breathed in shallow breaths along the pale skin on her neck. His lips hungered to taste Meredith. Kiss her all over her body, hold her in his arms, and just forget about the world for a while. They hadn't kissed in so long and Meredith wasn't the only one to notice that. Surprisingly Meredith wasn't giving in, he knew that she cared about him as much as he did about her, but then again she did deserve better. Derek wrapped his arms around Meredith and held her tighter. She deserved a man that could be there for her physically and emotionally all the time. Someone that she didn't have to share with another woman. Derek clenched his jaw. No matter what he did whether he had chosen Meredith or Addison he would've hurt someone. If he left Addison then he would feel as if he was just giving up on there marriage even though she had been the one that had nearly destroyed it. Derek rested his chin down on Meredith's shoulder for a while. She remained still, not moving her arms which were dropped down by her sides. Even though Derek knew that Meredith deserved to move on, he didn't want her too. He was selfish, because even though her happiness meant the world to him, he still didn't want to see her with another man.

"Derek," Meredith whispered.

Derek grabbed onto her shirt a little tighter. What if the bomb had exploded? What if she had died? And most importantly what if he never got to hold her like this again? Realizing that he was losing more control than he wanted to at the moment, Derek raised his chin. He took in a deep breath as he looked back at Meredith's eyes which were brimming with tears. Kissing her wouldn't do any good, it would just remind them both that they couldn't be together. Derek closed his eyes as he felt his eyes starting to tear up as well. He felt guilty because he wasn't there when Meredith had been holding that bomb. And the thought alone would get to him for a while. "Meredith,"

"What?"

"I know you hate me, and you have every reason to…"

"We're not going to do this now," Meredith placed her hand on his chest and then gently pushed him away. She wiped her hand across her eyes thankful that she hadn't shed any tears. Derek couldn't be there for her the way she needed him to be there for her, so she couldn't be his case. She used to be dependent before all of this, because she didn't have much of choice growing up with Ellis Grey as her mother. Meredith walked into her room and grabbed her scarf off of her bed. Derek followed behind her.

"I never stopped caring for you. I still do."

Meredith remained silent as she tied up her hair into a messy bun. "We're late, you don't have anything to prove, but I do. I'm an intern still trying to get to the top, you're already there, so I have more at risk than you."

"I'll talk to Webber or anyone else that wants to give you trouble,"

"I don't need any favors," She said quickly as she brushed past him. Meredith marched down the hall completely forgetting that Derek was still in the house. She took the stairs two at a time, set the alarm, and then slammed the door behind her.

Late, Late, Late.

Meredith tossed her belongings inside her car, and then turned on the ignition. She groaned in disgust when "We Belong Together" by Mariah Carey filtered from the radio. "Oh c'mon, for the love of all…" She turned off the radio and then looked towards the window. There Derek stood pointing towards the door.

"Oh shit!" Meredith placed her hand to her head. She killed the ignition and then ran back towards the door. Derek opened it for her, and then she quickly disarmed the security system. "I thought you were right behind me!"

"You sped out of here like I was Bailey, I couldn't keep up with you." Derek said trying to force a smile.

Her heart was broken into a million pieces and the only cure seemed to being with Derek. "We're late lets go." Meredith felt sick in the pit of her stomach. This kind of love was the painful kind that no one wanted. Instead of wrapping up tonight with Derek, she knew that all of her attention would be on a container of Ben & Jerry's and some sappy movie.

Derek opened the door for her.

Meredith nodded in his direction and then got in the car without saying anything else to him.

* * *

"We need to do something for Meredith," George said looking down the on call bed at Izzie and Cristina.

Cristina rotated her head around and then placed her hands on the table so she could stretch forward. "Yeah we do. I'm sure McDreamy is good in bed and all, but she has been sulking around for days since he's left her for Satan. The sex can't be that good, I mean really."

Izzie dipped her spoon into a small cup of strawberry yogurt. She glanced outside at the dismal clouds, and then back at George. "We should, I mean she's been so down lately. I hate to say it because I love Meredith and all, but lately I've been avoiding her like the plague. I'm a good mood, I'm happy, I don't want to be down."

"Hey," George complained.

Izzie wince back at George. She placed down the yogurt for a second and brought her legs up onto the bed. "I really try to be comforting, but sometimes I just can't…I mean she was crying the other day and then I started to laugh."

Both George and Cristina passed Izzie identical expressions of confusion.

Cristina looked around the room and then back at Izzie. "And they say I am the sadistic one?"

Izzie gasped, "I'm not sadistic!"

"Okay unfeeling," Cristina added.

"I'm not that either," Izzie pulled her golden locks out of her clip and let it fall down around her shoulders. "I just was thinking about something and…"

"So you weren't interested in listening to Meredith's crap. She's my friend and I care to some degree but the woman needs to get over it. Everyone in this damn hospital knows that Meredith and McDreamy will eventually get together for good, but now just isn't the right time. So tell her to stop whining, suck it up, and have as much sex as possible until Derek gets jealous and then dumps Addison's ass." Cristina nodded. "That about sums it up."

George scooted away from Cristina and closer to Izzie.

Cristina grabbed George's chips and took a satisfying bite. "So what were you thinking about Izzie when you started to laugh at Meredith. Was she making funny faces or sounds when she was crying her eyes out?"

"I wasn't laughing at Meredith, it was just something I was thinking about," Izzie grinned. Of course she had been thinking about sex in the linen closet with Alex, but no one else had to know that. Izzie bit her lip as she felt a giggle about to escape.

"Hold her down George," Cristina jumped off the bed and then dusted her hand free of chip crumbs. "I'm going to beat it out of her."

"No!" Izzie laughed as she threw her head back. The wall was closer than she expected. She hit her head with a loud bump. "Oww!"

Cristina let out a witch like cackle.

George placed his hands on Izzie's arms, "Are you okay?"

Cristina quickly straightened up. She cleared her throat, and put on her "serious" face in two seconds flat. "I didn't mean to laugh, well actually I did so I'm not going to lie."

"I've had too much sugar." Izzie gently massaged the back of her head. "It's nothing big seriously…"

"I'm horny," Alex announced as he stepped into the break room with them.

"Good to know," George muttered.

"Oh c'mon George don't be so uptight, sex is a part of life," Alex sat down next to Izzie scooting as close to her as possible. "And might I add that it's a good part of life. How the hell would we function without it?"

Izzie blushed, but refused to let Alex get to her.

"I bet I am the last one in this room that got laid." Alex added. In his hands he had two cookies, he handed one to Izzie and kept the other for himself.

"Yang?" Alex asked playfully raising his eyebrows, "When was the last time you got a full body workout?"

"I'm about to give you a full body work out when I shove my foot up your ass," Cristina delivered with a smile.

Alex chuckled, "It's been a while I can see." He looked down at George and then grinned. "Meredith giving you any yet, O'Malley?"

George practically spit out the soda that he was drinking. "Don't talk about Meredith like that!"

"George, calm down," Izzie replied patting his shoulder.

"I am calm…I just…" George took a second to catch his breath. His cheeks grew a shade of crimson as he tried to calm down. "Meredith could walk in any second and I just don't want her to hear that."

"Are you that disgusting?" Alex asked laughing.

"What is that supposed to mean you ass?" Izzie asked hitting Alex roughly in the shoulder.

Alex let out a grunt and then smiled back at her, "Touch me again,"

Izzie rolled her eyes, "Some people just can't be helped. Is there one word that comes out of your mouth that isn't about sex?"

"You're pretty," Alex said.

Izzie crossed her arms, "That's a pick-up line,"

"Shit," Alex said snapping his fingers. Even though he did think Izzie was pretty she didn't have to know that. He wasn't the compliment type of guy.

Cristina looked down at her watch. "I'm heading back out. I could take a break when I'm dead but there is too much action going on out there for me to just be sitting around in here."

George forced himself up. "Izzie if you see Meredith can you let me know?"

"Sure thing Georgie," Alex said pointing to George and then giving him a thumbs up. "We'll make sure to let you know when your booty call arrives."

Izzie playfully pushed Alex.

"You shut up," George said pointing to him. He promptly turned around and followed after Cristina.

Alex crossed his arms over his legs. "So go out with me tonight."

"I told you I'm busy." Izzie stood up and grabbed onto her empty yogurt container. "Thanks for the cookie by the way,"

"What are you doing?"

"For me to know…and for you to think about all night until it eats you up inside and then you go crazy."

"You're loss, I'll just find another chick." Alex said.

"Good, find another chick I don't care," Izzie added passing Alex a sunny smile.

Alex watched after Izzie. He had to admit that he actually liked her.

* * *

Meredith watched her windshield wipers fight with the rain. Today wasn't going to be a good day. She glanced in the rearview mirror. A small part of her hoped that Derek was right behind her car. It was sad really how much she loved that man. Even if she was mad as hell at him all he had to do was smile, and then she wanted him bad. Meredith smiled as she wiped away a tear. The only way she could describe chasing after a married man was love. Because she didn't chase after married men, that wasn't her style. Meredith wiped away her tears. "I need to get my life back together." She sighed and then pulled her hair down. "I'll find another guy…even if he doesn't compare to McDreamy, I'm sure there is someone out there who is just as good." Meredith scowled. She had reason to be concerned, because she was talking to herself, and to make matters worse lying too. Meredith gritted her teeth. "What did I do to deserve this huh?" She slammed her hands on the steering wheel.

Meredith you're going crazy. "Oh shut up," She turned up the radio. A song was playing in the background but her attention was focused elsewhere. Of course she was thinking about Derek, whenever she needed a break, or life got to hard, she would just think about him. Meredith couldn't explain why, but when she was around Derek without Addison close by he had a calming effect on her. Meredith smiled as she thought about how she used to wake up to him every morning. He would always complain about her snoring, which she didn't believe was her, it had to be all in his head, but anyways every time she woke up he would be holding her in his arms with his nose buried in her hair. It was cute. Meredith grinned to herself. Reality would have to set in another day because right now fantasy world felt damn good, even though it hadn't before Derek came. Meredith turned up the heat and then started to tap her hands on the wheel. Derek had wanted to kiss her, but she was glad she resisted. Meredith didn't want to make it too easy for Derek. If she was always available for a kiss or much more than that then Derek would be able to have the best of both worlds.

Meredith's car suddenly jerked to the right. She let out a frantic squeal and then lightly tapped her foot on the break. The car slid across the rain soaked asphalt and halted to an abrupt stop on the shoulder. Meredith placed her hand to her heart which was pounding so hard against her chest she felt as if she would have a heart attack. After the rush of adrenaline had passed over, Meredith glanced into the side mirror. What happened? Just when everything was starting to seem a little better of course this had to happen. With shaking hands Meredith opened the door.

Cars rushed past. She jumped out and her shoes landed in a muddy puddle of rain water. Meredith shivered as the sensation of cold water splashing against her ankles and seeping into her sneakers came over her. She wrapped her arms around her body as the rain started to hammer down on her. Seconds later Meredith discovered that her tire was flat.

"Oh great!" Meredith threw her hands up in the air. "What else can happen!"

A car pulled up behind her.

Oh crap Derek. Feeling embarrassed Meredith quickly turned on her heel and headed back towards the front seat. She would call Triple A and see if they could change the tire for her. Why did shit like this have to happen when McDreamy was around? Even though she needed him, Meredith didn't want to be as obvious as she used to be. Derek broke her heart more times than she could count, and she didn't want to have to deal with the pain of heartache once again.

"Don't run from me," Derek stepped out of his car with an umbrella.

"I'm fine, it's just a flat, I can fix it." Meredith said over her shoulder.

Derek shoved his hands in his pocket, "No you can't."

Meredith scowled in his direction, "So you're telling me that a woman can't change a tire, is that what you're saying."

Derek smiled back at Meredith. He remained silent for a couple of seconds with that all-knowing flirtatious "I want you Meredith" smile.

"I can change a tire," She popped the trunk and then moved around him.

Derek followed after Meredtih, and quickly held the umbrella over her head. "I talked to Webber for us both, so he knows that you're going to be late."

"That doesn't look to good. We're both late, and seemingly together. I could've handled it on my own."

"I have no doubt that you could have, but today just seems like crap for you so I wanted to do something."

Meredith looked at Derek. He reached for her small hand in his and then handed her the umbrella. "Let me change the tire, why don't you go wait in my car."

"I can change the tire,"

"You're stubborn you know that." Derek said.

Meredith tilted her head to the side, "And you're obnoxious, arrogant, cocky, and…"

"Charming," Derek replied. He waited for Meredith to deliver another insult, but instead she looked towards his car. "Go ahead and wait in there, let me take care of this."

Meredith bit her lip as she watched Derek pull off his shirt. He tossed it inside her open trunk and then looked around for the car jack and the spare. Meredith crossed her arms. Her cheeks grew warm as she watched Derek. "I could've done it on my own."

"Of course you could because you had to learn to do everything on your own." Derek's eyes softened as he looked back at Meredith. "But I got this," He placed his hand on Meredith's shoulder as he stepped aside her. "I'm putting the car into park, and by the time I step out then I hope you're in my car getting warm."

"And if I'm not?"

Derek smiled, "Then I'm picking you up over my shoulder and carrying you to the car."

Meredith turned around and walked towards his car. She opened the door and relaxed against the comfortable seats. "The Clash" was playing full blast. Meredith smiled as she rested her head against the headrest. "The Clash" was Derek's favorite band. She closed her eyes for a while, and then opened them when the music stopped. The whole car smelled like Derek. Mmm…it smelled good. She sat up and then looked around his car. A small piece of paper sticking out from the side door caught her attention. Meredith glanced at Derek who was now taking the spare from the trunk. It was just a piece of paper, and it was in plain sight so she wasn't necessarily snooping around. She reached for the piece of paper. It was a list of things to do, and then at the very top was Call Meredith underlined, right above Dinner with Addison. Meredith placed the sheet of paper back and sunk down in his chair. Instead of calling her, he showed up at the house but why?

* * *

"Dr. Burke will be right in Sir," Alex said as he tucked his pen into his lab jacket.

"Thank you," The patient squinted to look at Alex's name tag.

"Dr. Karev," Alex filled in for the patient. He tapped the edge of the bed and nodded. "If you need anything before Dr. Burke comes in page me."

"Thank you,Wait…could you talk to me?"

Alex ignored his initial reaction to wrinkle his nose. He plastered on a smile and then walked back over to the patient, "Sure I can,"

Izzie walked past and then stepped into the room with Alex, "Burke got held up with an emergency surgery, you're going to have to present to Dr. Shepard when he comes,"

Alex nodded. "Thanks,"

The patient sighed, "I would keep this damn tumor if I could, the thought of surgery scares me to death."

"Most of the patients that come in here are scared to death, but it'll be okay. Just go in there with a clear mind, focus on something…pleasant, and it will all be good."

Izzie leaned against the wall and listened to Alex. She tilted her head to the side. So he was "human", maybe Dr. Evil Spawn 666 wasn't so bad, but she had always thought there was something underneath the crude frat boy image Alex gave off. Izzie's smile widened and she flashed her pearly white teeth at Alex as he turned around.

They stared at each other for a while, and then Izzie headed out.

"Izzie!"

She turned around and then waved at George, "Hey?"

"Meredith still isn't here…"

"Nope, but I promise I'll page you express when she comes in," Izzie couldn't help but to laugh. "If you want to ask her out, you should do it now."

"Wh…" George cleared his throat and then looked around in embarrassment. "I do not like her,"

"Oh George," Izzie sighed.

"I don't…I mean Meredith is pretty, and all but…"

"You were staring dead straight at her black panties this morning George, you're a man it's okay…"

George grabbed Izzie's hands and pulled her aside. "I was not staring at her black panties!"

"Ohh black panties," Alex said as he stepped out of the room. "Stevens you let George get a sneak peak at the goods and you didn't let me in, c'mon now that just doesn't seem right."

* * *

"Well, well, well, if it isn't Addison Montgomery-Shepard," Mark said coming up behind Addison. He got close enough without touching her.

Addison placed down her cell phone. She had been trying to call Derek for the last two hours. Where was he? Of course she noticed that Meredith was no where in sight either. Addison placed a hand to her forehead, because she had an aggravating headache.

"I didn't expect to run into you right off the bat,"

Addison turned around her fire engine red locks cascaded down her shoulders. Her mouth dropped open, and then she stepped back. Control yourself Addie. She shook her head slightly and then cleared her throat. "What are you doing here?"

Mark smiled back at her. He squinted his eyes as he looked deep into Addison's eyes which were cold, even though he knew that she was happier to see him than she played off. "You don't need to be a hard ass with me…"

"You have no business here, you have to leave now." Addison scooped up her cell phone and tossed it into the coat of her lab jacket. "I don't understand why you would come all the way to Seattle to tell me that."

"I missed you," Mark whispered. He clenched his jaw and stared back at Addison with his eyebrows furrowed, "You don't look any happier than the day he left, now tell me honestly if moving out here solved anything."

"We are _not_ going to talk about this!" Addison whispered harshly.

"Where is he Addie? He's absent again, he was never there in the first place. And you come back to this?"

"We're not going to talk about this. You're going to leave now because Derek will be back any second. I love him Mark, and that's why I came back here to fix things,"

"Then prove it to me,"

"I will certainly not," Addison stepped aside him, but Mark reached for her hand.

"Just one kiss Addie, just one…and if you don't feel anything."

"Let me go right now,"

"Then we'll just wait for him to get here." Mark said squeezing Addison's hand tighter.

* * *

Meredith watched as Derek ran back towards the car. She leaned across the seat to open the driver's door for him. He quickly got inside and then rubbed his hands together. Meredith reached for the handle of the passenger door, but then her hand slowly dropped. She swallowed down her troubled thoughts, and allowed her hand to fumble around for the piece of paper.

"The tire has been switched, you're good to go." Derek said.

Meredith nodded. "What is this?" She handed the paper to Derek. As he looked down at it, she couldn't help but to bite her lip nervously. He wrote her name above Addison's surely that meant something.

Derek wiped his hand across his mouth, and then held his chin. "I meant to call you…"

"But you didn't," Meredith said in a low rasp.

Her voice sent shivers through Derek's body. He loved that soft, raspy voice of hers. Derek placed down the letter in his lap and then turned to look into Meredith's eyes. "I stopped by instead."

"Why were you going to call me?"

"Because I…" Derek tapped his hand along the dashboard. "I just wanted to…" He cleared his throat.

Meredith reached across him and held onto his hand. His hand was noticeably bigger than hers, so she placed her other hand on his as well. "I thought we still had open communication, even though you choose her, I thought we could still talk. I mean I know I sound bitter, but I'm really not. I don't care that you didn't pick me, and that you don't love me…okay, why am I lying I am bitter."

"Mere,"

"No let me finish," She squeezed his hand tighter. Meredith looked down at his fingers which were entwined between her own. She was starting to believe that she was a masochist because how else could she explain her behavior around him. Derek was looking down. "Can you at least look at me?" She was begging now! Meredith get your act together.

"Meredith, I don't know how I can fix this, I really don't know what to say, and…"

Meredith let go of his hands and then cupped his face in her hands. "Why did you want to call me?"

Derek slowly turned to Meredith. When he was this close to her, he couldn't lie. He was trying to keep it together when he was around Meredith for Addison's sake, but he was doing the best he could. After all it was Addison that messed up not him. She slept with Mark. Addison ruined their marriage, but for some reason he still cared about her. Derek reached for Meredith's hands, her eyes were glistening with tears, those beautiful blue eyes of hers. He just wanted to make sure that she was okay. Derek leaned closer. "I looked for you after I found out that you were the one holding the bomb…and I couldn't find you. I looked but I…" Derek clenched his jaw. "I had to see for myself that you were okay…and breathing and…oh god, I'm sorry." Derek looked towards Meredith's car, "Well that's the end of that."

"The end of what?"

"I'm sorry?" Derek asked in confusion.

"You said it was the end, so I guess you mean it's the end of us, and there are no more chances. It's just over." Meredith forced a nod, "Okay…"

"No," Derek massaged Meredith's shoulders. He loved her. He loved Meredith Grey, and the sad thing was he couldn't tell her how much he loved her. She was broken inside, but she always managed to hide her pain with a smile. Derek could read her. Without thinking Derek leaned forward. His lips met Meredith's and something inside of him woke up. It seemed as if he had been walking around half-alive, barely living since last time he had kissed Meredith.

Her lips were still at first, but then Meredith allowed her mouth to move along with Derek's. His lips were soft and inviting and she knew that she should stop kissing him. But she couldn't. Meredith ran her hands through Derek's wet hair. She felt herself starting to become weak as he wrapped his arm around her body and pulled her closer.

The hood of the car felt as if it would collapse underneath the weight of the pounding rain, but both Meredith and Derek ignored the rain.

This wasn't right, but it felt so good. Meredith slipped her hand underneath Derek's shirt and felt his body. When she kissed him, some of the pain just drifted away, and it made her feel guilty, because she felt as if every time Derek kissed her he took on some of that pain as his own.

He mumbled something that sounded like "I love you," but Meredith couldn't be sure. She slowly pushed him away, but Derek was kissing her again. "We're late,"

Derek had to pull away when Meredith pushed him away softly once again. Her lipstick was smeared across his lips and his cheeks, and his hair was in disarray. He closed his mouth and tried to hide the wounded look hidden behind his eyes.

Before opening the door Meredith ran her thumb along his lips and his cheeks so she could wipe away her lipstick. She stared at him for a couple more seconds in admiration and then slipped outside. Derek was out as well, he opened his umbrella and quickly walked her to the car.

"You didn't have to do that," Meredith said quickly.

"I did," Derek stepped back as Meredith got into her car. He stepped back as she started the engine back up and then pulled away. Life would be so much easier if he could just be with Meredith, but he couldn't because of Addison. Derek kicked at some rocks underneath his feet. He didn't want to love Meredith this much, because it had gotten to the point where she occupied all of his thoughts.

* * *

Meredith wiped away a tear as she looked into the rearview mirror. Derek still stood on the side of the road looking at the back of her car. This was what she wanted. She wanted him to pick her, choose her, and love her, but yet she had just run away. 


	4. He Loves You

Hey guys, here's another chapter. Thanks again to everyone that reviewed last chapter I appreciate the feedback so much! Also I just wanted to let it be known that even though Mark is talking with Meredith in this chapter, I have no plans on taking that anywhere. Mark is mostly here in this story for Addison. And I am still getting to know that characters so forgive me if there is any OC (ness) in the characters, once again:)

Chapter 4- He Loves You

"I did it again," Meredith mumbled to Cristina.

Cristina took Meredith's mocha latte, "For me Meredith, oh you shouldn't have."

Meredith sighed as she watched Cristina down her latte, "I didn't," She looked down the hall, and then held her breath as Derek walked towards her. He was so bad at hiding his emotions. And so was she. Meredith looked away. Her cheeks started to grow warm, and she knew she was blushing like an idiot. She placed her clipboard against the nurse's desk and then looked over her patients records.

"He's looking at you," Cristina pointed out.

"I know that," Meredith replied through gritted teeth.

"If you want to make a run for it now you better…oh too late, he's stopping, he's trying to smile. But he looks nervous too." Cristina took another sip of the latte and then placed it down next to Meredith. "I bet you fifteen dollars that someone is going to stop him before he gets over here."

"Is he still coming over here?"

"Um."

"Don't be obvious," Meredith pointed out.

Cristina rolled her eyes as she glanced towards Derek once again. He nearly ran into a nurse because his eyes were focused straight on Meredith. "He's walking over here like it's real important that he talks to you…what did you'll do?"

"We didn't do anything."

"How many times do I have to remind you people that I know a liar when I see one, because I am a liar myself. Did you sleep with him again?"

"Cristina!" Meredith exclaimed.

A nurse looked up from the desk. She rested her hand against her cheek and then leaned in closer to where Meredith and Cristina were talking.

Cristina narrowed her eyes at the nurse in irritation. "Mind your own business."

The nurse looked back at Cristina in confusion.

"You were listening. Here he comes, I have to go."

"Could you stay?" Meredith asked. She bit her lip as she glanced back at Cristina who looked like she was about to laugh. "Don't laugh at me, I'm serious."

"You know I'm not good for support."

"If this was you and Burke then I would be here for you." Meredith grabbed her clipboard, "Fine, I'll just deal with him on my own."

"Deal with him?" Cristina glanced towards Derek once again. "What did he do?"

"Nothing, he just."

"What?" Cristina ushered in her attempts to get some gossip.

Meredith closed her eyes as she felt Derek place his hands on her shoulder. Why did he have to always torture her like this? How could McDreamy kiss her like that, and expect her to move on with her life? He didn't make anything easy. Meredith stepped away from him. His hand dropped down to his side.

"I'll see you later," Cristina said.

Meredith's mouth dropped.

Cristina shrugged, "What? I have stuff to do. We'll talk later."

"Meredith,"

"Dr. Shepard,"

"Oh c'mon!" He exclaimed.

"I'm not doing this anymore."

"Talk to me,"

"I tried, and look what happened." Meredith pointed out.

Derek looked around and then he wrapped his hand around Meredith's arm and then gently guided her to the stairwell. "What did I do that was so wrong?"

"Everything! Everything you do is wrong!"

"Meredith, why are you yelling at me? You were fine earlier." He said softly. Derek stepped closer to Meredith but she stepped back.

"You shouldn't have kissed me earlier. Every time I try to take a step forward you do something like that to mess up my progress. I just…" Meredith felt the tears starting to fall. God she was so pathetic! She turned her back towards him. "I just want you to leave me alone."

"No you don't."

"Don't tell me what I want. Because you have no idea what I want."

"You want me." Derek pointed out. He didn't mean for it to come out the way it did. So he stepped back when Meredith turned towards him with her fists clenched and puffy eyes. "I didn't mean for it to come out that way."

"Just shut up,"

"Meredith?"

"Don't Meredith me, please just don't."

Derek shoved his hands in his lab jacket and leaned against the wall. Things would be so much easier if he could just follow his heart and choose her. "So you want me to go away?"

Meredith remained silent.

"I want you to scrub in with me. I have a brain tumor surgery a little later on."

"I don't want to scrub in with you, at least not today." Meredith sighed. "And you can't kiss me anymore, stop avoiding what I just said."

"I can't. Is there a rule book that says that Derek can't kiss Meredith?"

"Yeah, there is!" Meredith gestured towards the door. "The rule book came up when you choose Addison over me. If you love her so much then how come you're always looking at me like that?"

"Like what?" Derek asked.

"Like that. Like you love me, and you care and…"

Derek clenched his jaw. He watched as a fellow doctor entered the staircase. Derek nodded in his direction and then focused back on Meredith. "I do love you and I do care,"

"Not enough. I have a lot on my plate right now. And I don't want to focus on you, I can't or I'm going to go crazy."

"It's driving me crazy too," Derek said in above a whisper. He looked down at his hands which seemed to have a mind of their own. He was now touching Meredith's trembling hand. Derek was fooling himself. His attempts to save his marriage with Addison weren't working, but he wouldn't feel right if he just threw in the towel. Addison was his wife, but Meredith was the love of his life. Derek winced as Meredith pulled away. There was a time when she used to chase him, but now he was chasing her. His pager vibrated on his hip. Derek muttered underneath his breath.

"You better get that," Meredith said. She took a second to compose herself and then walked back down the stairs.

"Wait," Derek quickly walked after her.

"What?"

"I can still be there for you if you let me. I do care Meredith, I…"

Meredith plastered on a smile. "Yeah, okay. I can't really talk anymore because I have an obligation to be in the right state of mind when I'm taking care of my patients, and so do you. So let's just forget this happened. Forget that I cried to you, because believe me I want to forget that myself. Forget that we…"

Derek shook his head, "You're asking the impossible. I have to go, but I hope you'll meet me tonight."

Meredith looked back at him in surprise. Derek walked down the stairs, but Meredith grabbed his arm. "Meet you tonight? Did you just hear a word I said?"

Derek beamed back at her.

Meredith tried to look away. But yet she became lost in how blue his eyes were, and how they crinkled at the edges. If he didn't make her so mad for staying with Addison the he would be up against the wall in seconds. Since her mind was wicked and mean, she started to envision taking complete control as Derek was up against the wall. She would kiss him with all the pent up frustration and passion. Meredith's cheeks burned with a warm intensity. Why was she thinking about kissing him! No!

Derek tilted his head to the side, and he was still smiling.

No…okay, she couldn't resist. But she was still mad. "Did you hear anything I just said?" She repeated in an impatient tone.

Derek nodded, "Sure I heard you Grey, but remember you told me to forget." He shrugged, "I'll pick you up tonight and we'll get something to eat…Chinese sound good."

"I hate Chinese." Meredith growled.

Derek grinned, "I know, I just wanted to hear some of that attitude that I missed so much. But seriously, I just want to talk to you."

Meredith crossed her arms. It was like he didn't hear a word that she just said. She knew she was walking on thin ice and just being around him, when she couldn't have him made her feel even more helpless. Meredith knew that she was on a train destined for disaster.

Derek's eyebrows furrowed low over his eyes, "I have to take care of this," He motioned down to his pager, "But we'll talk, I promise and I'll take you out tonight. We can just be friends you know." Derek scowled at his last comment. That wasn't what he wanted.

Meredith watched as Derek walked down the stairs and then disappeared out the door. "I don't just want to be your friend." She whispered.

* * *

Addison closed the door behind her. She crossed her arms and raised her chin as she waited for Mark to finish explaining why he was in Seattle. It was against her judgment to talk to him when Derek didn't know he was here, but then again a small part of her cared what he had to say. After all Mark had been there for her when Derek had left, he had always been there. It was unfair of him to show up now, when she was making some progress with Derek. Maybe her progress wasn't spectacular, but it was something. They were going to therapy and Derek was honestly trying, but Meredith was still in the picture. Addison looked down at her flat heels as she thought about Meredith and Derek. It was as if Meredith could do now wrong in Derek's eyes, and Addison had to admit that sometimes that hurt.

"Addie," Mark said.

Addison closed her eyes. Mark's voice was laced with concern. She knew that he cared. It would be so easy for her to go back to New York with him, but yet she still loved Derek. He was incredible, and she wanted to work things out with him. "This isn't going to work, you have to go back."

"Go back to New York without you?"

Addison rolled her eyes towards the ceiling.

Mark walked over to her.

Addison had to step back because she didn't want him to get any closer. Although he hadn't kissed her in so long, she could still taste his kisses on her lips. And she hungered for them. The love that Mark gave her was unconditional; it was like the love Derek used to give before he found her in bed with Mark. "I came here to save my marriage with Derek, and you know that. Why would you show up here Mark? What since does that make? You know that we're over and…"

"Addison, stop rambling. Don't treat me like a stranger, I didn't come here to make your life worse, I just wanted to see how he was treating you. Derek was my friend too, and he still would be if he hadn't written me off…"

"We deserved it."

Mark nodded, "Maybe we did, but from what I heard he's not even paying any attention to you."

Addison placed her hand on her hips and then raised an arched eyebrow in Mark's direction. "Mark you don't know anything about my situation with Derek in Seattle."

"I've heard all the way in New York that Derek had fallen for an intern here,"

Addison looked away. She tried to mask her emotions and hide the anger and sadness that she felt. She couldn't believe how fast word traveled. "I…"

"Meredith right?"

"We are not going to talk about this." Addison declared she opened the door and stormed out of the room.

Mark placed his hand to his forehead. Shit, he didn't mean to chase her away. He watched after her. Mark quickly closed the door behind him and followed after Addison. "Addie,"

"Mark, you need to leave." Addison made a turn and quickly walked off. She bit her lip. Everything Mark said was true. But Derek did choose her, she gave him the divorce papers to sign and he hadn't. Addison watched as Meredith walked towards her. She didn't hate Meredith, she just didn't like her much. And Addison knew the feeling was mutual, but anyways she smiled at the intern. Meredith looked lost and sad, but she smiled back anyways.

* * *

"Have you seen Cristina?" Burke asked Izzie.

Izzie looked around the hall, "I just saw her…um…I don't know where she is now though."

"Can I ask you a question?" Burke adjusted his glasses on the bridge of his nose, and then seemed to think over his question carefully. "She's avoiding me isn't she?"

Izzie's eyes widened. This was not the territory that she wanted to cross. Cristina hadn't said anything to her about avoiding Burke, and even if she had, Izzie wouldn't say anything. Burke was her boss, and Cristina was just Cristina. "No, she's…"

"You don't have to lie to me, we're friends right Izzie, I mean you can tell me. Cristina doesn't tell me anything so if I want to know anything then I have to find out from other people."

Izzie looked around the hospital. She needed something to do now and stat. So she could get away from Burke's questions. The last thing she needed was for Cristina to see her talking to Burke. That wouldn't be good, because Cristina would think that Izzie was talking about her. "I have to run down to the lab really quick."

"Izzie,"

Izzie winced. She was so close to getting away! Damn it. "Yes?"

"I told Cristina I loved her the other day."

Izzie frowned. Why was he being so open today? Burke was never this open. And even worse what was she supposed to say to that? Cristina wasn't the emotional "I love you" type, so no wonder she had been avoiding him.

"I'm trusting that you will keep this between us."

"Of course,"

"I just want to know how she feels. I can read everyone, but I can't read her and that is the most frustrating thing to me." Burke clenched his jaw as he looked down to the ground. He looked around and then shook his head in frustration. "Thanks for your time Stevens," Burke cleared his throat as he walked away.

* * *

Meredith looked over her chart.

"Hey,"

She looked up at the handsome man standing in front of her. She gave him a small smile and then returned to filling out her patients' chart. He continued to stand in front of her. She glanced back at him curiously. What did this guy want?

"You look pretty busy," He replied. He smiled back at her and then leaned against the counter. "So what do you doctors do for fun here at Seattle Grace?"

"Fun, what fun?" Meredith said.

He laughed. "I like that."

A small smile tugged at the corners of Meredith's mouth. She placed down her pen and then gave him her complete attention. "Can I help you with something?"

"Sure, I'm new here to Seattle, and I need a tour guide. You know someone to show me around."

Meredith raised an eyebrow, "Did you try looking in the yellow pages."

"What fun is that? I'm sure an attractive girl like you knows all the best places to go here."

"Are you asking me out on a date?" Meredith asked in surprise.

He extended his hand, "Mark Sloane."

Meredith shook his hand, "Mer…"

"Meredith Grey, I know you. You're pretty famous back in New York."

"Mark Sloane, as in the guy that broke up Derek and Addison?"

Mark smiled, "I hope that's not all I am known for,"

(Break)

"I'm going to need an MRI scan and…" Derek stopped talking as he glanced out the window.

"Dr. Shepard an MRI scan and what else?"

"Just hold on for a second," Derek said holding up his hand. That couldn't be who he thought it was. He slowly stepped towards the door and watched as Mark talked to Meredith. Derek's fists clenched. How dare Sloane show his face in Seattle, and even worse what the hell was he doing talking to Meredith. Derek tried to calm down because he felt like attacking Mark.

Mark leaned in closer to Meredith.

He didn't want that bastard anywhere near her. Meredith was going through a lot, and Derek knew that. He wasn't going to let asshole leech take advantage of her. Derek ignored all reason as he stormed over to them. He had just walked away when he caught Addison and Mark in bed, but with Meredith it was different. He wasn't sure why it was different, but it just was. Mark was smiling back at Meredith. Was Mark flirting with her? Who the hell did Mark think he was? Talking to his girl…Meredith wasn't his girlfriend. But still he loved her like she still was.

"So show me around Seattle," Mark said.

"I…"

Before Meredith could respond, Mark was on the floor and Derek was looking down at him in anger.

"Derek!" She yelled.

"That's Mark," He spat as if it was justified.

Addison was walking towards them quickly coming from nowhere. "Derek…"

"Save it," He growled storming off. Derek looked over his shoulder at Meredith once more and turned around with his fist in his hand.

Addison looked at Meredith, and then at Mark. "Take care of him, I need to talk to…" She paused when she realized that she was talking to Meredith.

Meredith bent down to help Mark up. "You have a cut we're going to have to clean that up, the wound looks pretty deep, so you're going to need stitches."

Mark grabbed her hand, "He loves you."

"What?" Meredith said shaking her head.

Mark smiled to himself, "He didn't do anything when he caught me with Addie, but with you all I had to say was one word and he was ready to fight. He doesn't love her." Mark pulled himself up with some assistance from Meredith. "What is it about you that is so special?"

Meredith shrugged, "Nothing,"

"Oh there's something special, because I've never seen him look at anyone the way that he just looked at you."


	5. Breaking my Heart

AN: George is still living with Meredith & Izzie, because the George/Meredith thing never happened…just thought I would repeat that. Thanks to everyone that reviewed last chapter. And I posted this chapter before I just accidentally deleted it when I was trying to change something...so typical of me...lol.

Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, or any of the characters except for any OC's…it all belongs to ABC.

Chapter 5- Breaking my Heart

"I'm not going to dinner with him," Meredith stated for the last time. She looked across the room at George and Izzie who were both staring back at her in disbelief. "Well I don't care if you guys don't believe me." Meredith wrapped the covers around her shoulders as she stared back at the television. She scowled when she realized that Jerry Springer was on. "Seriously, a midget stole my boyfriend? Who is watching this trash?"  
Izzie smirked as she looked at George, "No one was watching it, we just thought you would think it was funny."

Meredith sighed, "Not really, can someone give me the remote so I can find something of substance. What is on Lifetime?"

George shot up, "That is my cue to leave."

"C'mon George you know you want to watch with us," Izzie teased playfully. She searched around in the chair for the remote and handed it to Meredith. "_Gone with the Wind_ is on AMC,"

"_Gone with the Wind_…bad," George commented tapping Izzie on the shoulder.

"What George? It's a classic." Izzie protested.

George pointed to Meredith and then leaned closer to Izzie so he could whisper in her ear. "Allowing Meredith to watch _Gone with the Wind_ is like adding fuel to the fire, look at her she doesn't need any sad movies right now."

"I can hear you," Meredith grumbled. She turned down the volume and looked back at George and Izzie. "I can handle a sad movie or two, I'm fine, I don't any chaperons to make sure that I don't go all suicidal. So just stop."

Izzie shrugged in George's direction and then looked back at the screen. "So what are we eating tonight?"

Meredith sighed as she thought about Derek inviting her to dinner. He wouldn't take no for an answer earlier, but she left the hospital without even seeing if he was okay. After she talked with Mark, and he seemed so convinced that Derek was in love with her, she had to leave. Confusion just didn't feel good right now. She needed to change her trail of thought. "Izzie, I thought you were going out with Alex tonight?"

"Oh I don't know, he asked me out but I'm not going to call him. If he wants to take me out tonight then he can call himself." Izzie tapped her hand on the chair and then glanced quickly at the phone. "I'm not going to build my life around that boy."

George chuckled, "Boy, you should call him that to his face." He replied as he walked towards the kitchen.

"I will, and I'll make sure that you're around when I do." Izzie smirked as she glanced at the phone once again. She didn't care if Alex called or not. She was fine sitting inside and watching _Gone with the Wind_ with Meredith. Okay, maybe not.

Meredith turned around in her chair, she reached for a purple throw pillow and propped it underneath her head. "It's amazing how ready you look to go out since you don't care. Do you have another date besides Alex?"

Izzie scoffed and shrugged off Meredith's comment with a quick hand gesture. "I might go to Joe's later. You're welcome to come if you want,"

"I look like shit, I think I'll pass." Meredith focused back on the television screen and then back at Izzie. "Are you wearing Gucci Rush?"  
Izzie's eyes widened for a second. Gucci Rush was her going out perfume. She never wore that just to go to Joe's. Usually she wore it whenever Alex was around. Izzie focused on a few strands of her blonde hair which were tangled together. Meredith suspected that she was waiting for Alex so no use in lying anymore. Now it would be even worse if Alex didn't call her or show up. Izzie was a little frustrated with herself for waiting around for Alex, she knew better than to depend on him for anything.

"He better show up…but then again he's a boy…stupid boys." Meredith said with a pout.

"I second that," Izzie agreed.

"Hey," George said walking back into the den with Meredith and Izzie. He lowered himself down onto the couch next to Meredith and held out a bowl of popcorn. "Not all boys are bad…I mean men, we're men."

Izzie smiled, "Some men are so immature they don't deserve to be called men."

"And some men can't make up their minds," Meredith growled as she pushed away the popcorn that George held in front of her. "Tell me why he would attack Mark just for talking to me, but yet he won't choose me over her. I'm getting frustrated with him, and I'm getting frustrated with myself for caring. It's like this cycle that I can't get out of…"

Izzie sensed a Meredith "meltdown" was on the way so she focused on the television screen as Meredith ranted. Occasionally she would look over and nod, but right now she couldn't emotionally be there for her because she had a feeling that Alex was going to stand her up. Izzie crossed her arms. And if he stood her up, then she wasn't talking to him anymore, she had given him enough chances already.

"Okay, I'm finished. From now on when I start talking about Derek someone just change the subject, I won't be offended, just stop me." Meredith sighed. "I think I might go to Joe's with you Izzie,"

George winced. No Joe's was bad too. Whenever Meredith went to Joe's she picked up some random guy. He felt like he should stop her most of the time, but it wasn't really his place. "Actually I think we should stay here,"

Meredith glanced at George. "If I stay here then I'm just going to think about him, and this movie…that is not helping. Izzie turn it off."

Izzie raised an eyebrow. "I was um…kinda watching it."

"Okay," Meredith pulled her comforter up with her and then slowly walked up the stairs two at a time. "I'll just go to sleep then." On her way up she glanced at the door and then shook her head. Mark's words echoed over and over in her head.

"He doesn't love her…He's never looked at anyone the way he just looked at you…he loves you…you…you…Meredith…he loves you."

Meredith clenched her jaw as she opened her room door. If only Derek could leave her alone for once. Every time she closed her eyes she saw his face. Meredith fell back onto her bed. She sunk down into the softness of her sheets which smelled like fabric softener. Even if she tried to go to sleep now, she knew that she couldn't. Her room was freezing so she wrapped the comforter tighter around her body.

Meredith closed her eyes for a second but then she pictured her mom sitting in the nursing home and looking out the window. Her face was blank and she looked sad. Meredith exhaled as she opened her eyes. It seemed as if her biggest fears were coming true prematurely, she didn't want her life to turn into her mother's, but it already was. Meredith shivered at the thought of spending the rest of her days alone and miserable. If she turned out like Ellis then it would be her own fault, because she did this to herself, she wasn't trying hard enough to move on. She needed to try, or else she would stay in this state of depression. Meredith clutched tightly onto her pillow and looked around at the darkness. If only she could make sense of why she couldn't let Derek go. Her eyebrows furrowed low over her eyes. Maybe because she loved him…but why did she love him? How come she couldn't just move on because it was obvious that Derek was staying with Addison, no matter what Mark said. Meredith heard the doorbell ring downstairs. It had to be Alex. Derek wasn't going to show up here, especially after she avoided him at work.

* * *

Izzie jumped up excitedly and then she stopped. "Get the door George…please." 

George looked back at Izzie as if she were crazy. "But you're standing up?"

Izzie quickly sat back down. "If that is Alex, which it probably isn't, and it's not like I care anyways, but the point is if Dr. Evil does decide to show up here then I don't want to look desperate."

"But you're just answering the door?"

"That has desperation written all over it. He's going to think I was waiting for him…ohh, and if he sees me in the den even more reason to think that. I'll be upstairs. Just get the door George."

George let out a groan as he forced himself up. "This is crazy."

"If you were a woman then you would understand." Izzie replied. She whispered a silent thank you to George and then ran up the stairs.

George walked towards the door, and opened it seconds later for Derek. "Hi…um Dr. Shepard."

"Is Meredith here?" Derek asked looking inside.

George wanted to say "No" but he couldn't lie. "Yeah, she's here but she might be asleep."

"I brought her food, she's going to have to wake up then. It's eight o' clock, only my grandmother goes to sleep at eight o' clock." As Derek stepped inside he put down his umbrella. "Is she okay?"

George closed the door, "She's good." His eyes traveled down to Derek's hand, around his knuckles were bruised with a faint purplish color. George looked away. He didn't want to get involved in Derek's business. "I can tell Mere that you're here if you want."

Derek took off his shoes and placed them next to Meredith's. "If it's okay, I'll go upstairs and announce myself."

Izzie waved at Derek as she walked down the stairs. "I knew it wasn't him."

"You smell good," George commented trying to be as helpful as possible.

"It's the last time I'm wearing Gucci Rush for that asshole, okay George you can see right through me. I thought he was going to come, I mean seriously, how pathetic am I?"

"You're not pathetic."

Izzie nodded, "I'm going to bake some cookies, you can be my assistant if you want I need someone to talk to."

George looked towards his popcorn and the movies he had rented earlier. He could almost hear the popcorn saying "George, just sit down and relax. After working all day you just want peace…peace." But he couldn't just leave Izzie to bake all her problems away. "Coming,"

"Chocolate chip cookies, cupcakes, or devil's food cake?" Izzie asked as she started to raid the pantry.

George opened his mouth to answer.

"Devil's food cake it is, I'll make sure to give Alex a piece in the morning with a piece of my mind."

* * *

Alex frowned as he looked back at his reflection in the mirror. He felt like he was trying to hard. He took off his sports jacket, and then wrinkled his nose as he looked back at his starched shirt and tie. God, he looked like a joke. He wasn't really into the prep look, and if he showed up to Izzie's place looking like this, then she would probably laugh at him. 

"Damn," He groaned as he pulled the tie from around his neck. Izzie probably wouldn't care if he showed up in some jeans and a flannel shirt. But then again he knew that she was going to be dressed up. Alex smiled to himself as he flashed back to the last time he had taken Izzie out. She had been wearing this sexy black dress which showed off her great body. There was no doubt in his mind that Izzie was hot, but he actually liked her. Alex looked away from the mirror as he noticed an odd lovesick look on his face. He didn't consider himself a romantic, he was far from it, but yet Izzie made him want to do special things for her. And that scared him.

There was a knock at his door.

"Go bother someone else, I'm busy." He groaned.

They knocked again.

"Are you deaf? I said I'm busy." Alex repeated. He sprayed some cologne around his neck and then looked at the clothes in front of him. If Izzie ever knew that he picked out outfits for her then he wouldn't be able to live it down. "What are you doing to me Stevens?" He said under his breath as he pulled his shirt over his head.

The door opened.

Alex turned around in surprise. He looked back at the woman that lived across from his apartment, Cassidy. "What are you doing here?"

She smiled, "You gave me a key remember…Hmm, you smell good."

Alex clenched his jaw. He quickly picked up another one of the shirts on his bed. Fuck it, Izzie would just have to like whatever he chooses.

"You have a date?"

"I'm not in the mood right now, so how about you leave." Alex pulled the 2nd shirt over his head and then fixed the collar. "Cassidy,"

She smiled, "Karev, I figured you had a hard day at work. You interns work way too hard." She pushed aside some of his shirts and lowered herself onto his bed. "Every time that I've come over here we've had a good time, up until these last couple of weeks."

"So then stop throwing yourself at me."

Cassidy gasped, "Are you kidding me? Did you hear what you just said? You're turning down sex." She grinned, "Did you turn gay overnight or something?"

"Get out."

"I was just kidding. Calm down Alex," Cassidy stood up. She focused her green eyes on Alex as he pulled on his shoes. "You've fallen in love with some girl…is it that one um…Izzie?"

"No,"

"When she calls, you get this stupid smile on your face."

"I do not, and I'm not going to argue with you about this. This conversation is pointless and you know it."

Cassidy leaned forward to plant a kiss on Alex's cheek. "So…why are you getting all dressed up then? I think you're in love."

"You're crazy."

Cassidy trailed her lips against Alex's cheek until she reached his mouth. His lips were still until she placed her hand against his chest and pushed him back against the chair. "We used to have so much fun."

Alex leaned away from her.

"You do love that Stevens girl."

Maybe he did. But he wasn't going to admit that. Cassidy was kissing him again, and now she was sitting in his lap. Alex thought about pushing her away, but if he did then that would only confirm Cassidy's beliefs. Of course he didn't care what she thought, but the fact that he could admit to himself that he was in love with Izzie scared him.

* * *

"You're still here?" Mark asked Addison. 

She arched an eyebrow as she looked down the hallway. Her eyes fluttered shut in agitation. She was at the breaking point with him. "How is your eye?"

"Fine,"

"You really need to leave." Addison said stopping. She looked around the hospital and then began to talk to Mark in a hushed tone. "People are already talking enough as it is. When I showed up here I had to deal with all the gossip about Meredith and my husband, and now you're tossed in the middle of this. I'm here to do my job, not to be the entertainment for anyone that wants to hear a juicy piece of gossip."

"Which is why you should leave, I know without a doubt that if you go back to New York tomorrow they'll hire you back. You're the best over there Addie, not a day goes by when the chief of surgery doesn't ask about you."

"Mark," Addison raised her hand. "I'm tired. I'm exhausted, and I have to fix this mess when I go home…"

"He's probably not going to be there." Mark pointed out.

"I've tried to talk to you reasonably, but you know what I can't." Addison shook her head and then exhaled. "Just go back to New York because no matter how long you stay here, I'm not going to leave Derek."

Mark looked down in disappointment. "Well I tried,"

Addison crossed her arms as she looked back at him. She didn't want things to be like this, but if she wanted to work things out with Derek then she had no choice. "Have a safe trip back."

"I'll wait for you."

Addison started to walk away and then she turned around. She looked around once more and then slightly raised her chin. "Don't be foolish, you can have any woman you want in New York…"

Mark smiled, "I could,"

"So then don't wait for me, because I'm not going back there."

"I could have any woman in New York, but I only want the one that got away." Mark looked away from Addison. "If I didn't care about you so much then believe me I wouldn't have come all the way across the country."

Addison placed her hand to the bridge of her nose.

"Are you okay Addie?" Webber asked walking towards her. He eyed Mark as if he could tell that he was bothering one of his favorite doctors.

"I'm fine Richard," Addison said giving him a smile.

"Are you sure, because I can…"

"Adele called for you, she said dinner is going to be ready in ten minutes and you better be there," Addison replied changing the subject quickly.

Webber sighed, "She expects me to be there every night. I do what I can, but I mean really." He glared at Mark once more and then focused back on Addison, "So she's calling you now?"

"Adele had people looking for you. You were no where to be seen so I took the call for you."

Webber scowled, "Knowing Adele she'll show up here in five minutes looking for me, I have to go. But if you need anything at all don't hesitate to…"

"I know," Addison said with a nod.

"Derek had every reason to do what he did." Webber directed to Mark obviously referring to the beating Derek had given Mark earlier.

Mark watched after Webber, "Well I take it that he doesn't like me."

"Just go."

"Not without you." Mark stepped closer to Addison. "I'll be at Joe's tonight right before my plane leaves. Please meet me there." He reached out for Addison's hand and gave her a letter.

"What is this?"

"If you don't show up, then it's good bye. Because I can't force you to come back with me if you don't want to." He clenched his jaw as he looked down at the letter in Addison's hand. "I'm sure you've seen the way Derek looks at the intern. You don't deserve to be the 2nd woman in his life."

Addison opened her mouth to come up with a clever comeback but she was speechless.

"I'll be waiting at Joe's until eleven."

* * *

Derek opened Meredith's door. He watched as she turned away from the window. The room was dark so he turned on the light. "Hey," 

"Hey," Meredith replied back. She looked down at the bag in his hand, and then sat down on the window sill. "I'm not really hungry, but maybe George and Izzie are."

"They're old enough to cook for themselves." Derek said with a smile.

"I'm not really in the mood for company." Meredith replied. She looked down at her hands which were clamped together and then back up at him. "I'm about to go to sleep,"

Derek pulled off his coat and hung it on the back of Meredith's door. "Then we won't eat," He walked over to her and sat down on the edge of her bed. "We can talk, I'm a good listener, try me."

"I'm not going to talk to you."

"Why not?" Derek asked as if he were slightly offended.

"Do you really think that's going to help? Me talking to you?"

Derek nodded, "I don't see why not. Sharing time has always been good for me."

Meredith sighed, "I could come up with so many arguments to refute that lie but I'm just not up for it now."

"So I'm a liar now?" He said.

Meredith rested her head against the window as she looked back at him in irritation. "You're not going to leave are you?"

"I don't want to be near Addison right now."

"So of course you would come here." Meredith stood up and walked over to the other side of her bed. She laid down and then kicked Derek off of her bed. "You…go sit on the window sill."

"No bed?" He asked in surprise.

Meredith sat up, "Of course not, it's either the windowsill, the chair in the corner or out."

"Fine," Derek shook his head at Meredith. "So what's wrong?"

"Don't want to talk about it." She pulled the covers up to her chin and tried to ignore the thoughts that were reminding her that she could very well end up like her mother.

"Then I'll just sit here, and if you want to talk to me then I'll listen." Derek said softly.

Why can't he just make up his mind? Meredith listened as the rain fell down the glass pane windows. She wasn't going to tell him how much he hurt her. She was feeling low…but not that low. "Why did you punch him?"

"Who?" Derek asked obviously trying to ignore Meredith's question.

"You know who, don't play dumb with me Derek. Mark, you punched him when you saw him talking to me. Why did you do it?"

"He seduced my wife. I would think that's the only excuse I need." Derek declared. He wondered if he was as obvious as he felt. Meredith had to know that he got jealous.

She nodded, "I guess so. I'm not really that hungry and I don't really have anything else to say to you so I…"

Derek stood up and sat down on the edge of Meredith's bed.

"Why did you look so sad earlier?"  
"It wasn't because of you," Meredith snapped.

"Okay," Derek said in a comforting tone. "But don't shut me out, let me be there for you."

"You shut me out," Meredith replied.

"I would neve…"

"I'm not feeling up to this conversation now. I just want to get some sleep because I really need it."

Derek watched sadly as Meredith turned over on her side. He couldn't just leave. "I'll stay until you go to sleep."

"Not necessary,"

"You're going to have to kick me out, but I'm not leaving yet." Derek went to the top end the bed and sat down. He looked over at Meredith and then crossed his arms over his chest. "When I first came here you were there for me."

"We had sex that is barely being there for someone." Meredith muttered.

"I have to disagree with that. But I'm not talking about the sex…well I am, but you listened to me." Derek glanced over at Meredith once more. She looked like a child with her arms wrapped around her pillow and her hair spilling down her back "It meant a lot."

There was a moment of silence between them and then Meredith finally spoke up.

"I just feel like I'm alone in this world, and the only way that I can feel whole is if I hold onto something that I can't have. I'm not sure what's worse. Feeling like this, or setting myself up to be hurt over and over again."

"You're not alone,"

"I feel like I should have 'idiot' stamped on my forehead."

Derek got closer to Meredith.

"Don't," she whispered.

He stopped.

"I just want to get over you…and the more you come around the harder it gets." Meredith sat up and turned to face him. "The only way that we could ever be friends is if you tell me that you don't want to be with me. I need you to tell me that, so I can move on with my life, and find someone that actually does care."


	6. Beautiful Struggle

AN: Thank you everyone that reviewed last chapter! I promise that Meredith and Derek will be together, but just not yet, because I think it is unrealistic for that to happen so early in the story. There has to be some pain before love…I feel so bad for torturing them, but that is what's happening in the show. And I'm right with you guys…it is so obvious that Derek cares, but Meredith can't see that right now because she's hurt…

* * *

Chapter 6- Beautiful Struggle

Meredith and Derek watched each other in silence. She knew what he was going to say but she needed to hear it again. Meredith closed her eyes as the silence started to ring even louder in her ears. It was raining outside, and the wind was whistling, someone had to say something or else she was going to go crazy.

"This decision has never been easy for me, and you know that."

"I know," Meredith stood up. She walked away from her bed and towards the window. "It's just difficult to love someone that you can't be with,"

"I know," Derek repeated to himself.

"No you don't Derek! You don't know," Meredith barked. For a second she realized that her voice was raised so she took it down a notch. She sighed and then placed her shaking hand to her forehead. "Playing games is like your expertise,"

"Meredith!" Derek exclaimed. He shot up and then walked over to her, but Meredith held out her hands. He sighed in frustration and then placed his hands on his hips. "Is this what you think this is, some game to me?"

"It sure feels like one," Meredith bit her lip as she looked back at him. She raised her hands in uncertainty because she didn't know what else to say and he was just staring back at her like a wounded puppy.

Derek reached out for Meredith's shoulder but she stepped back. "I'm not playing games with you Mere."

"Maybe you're not, but it feels like it. You are the most indecisive man I've ever met in my life. You're with Addison, but yet you're always watching me, and kissing me, and making sure that I don't get over you."

"I'm not leading you on,"

"Then what do you call it." Meredith stepped closer to Derek and then searched his eyes. "What do you call this? I'm lying down in my bed, and I just want to be miserable all alone, but then you come by and mess everything up. I just want to find my comfortable place, and I can't find it when you're breathing down my neck,"

"Then I'll stop breathing, but I'll warn you that I might die,"

Meredith groaned. "And now you're joking," She moved away from the window and opened the door. Meredith then looked back at George and Izzie in shock. "And what are your excuses!"

"Stood up," Izzie mumbled referring to Alex.

Meredith frowned and then turned to look at George. He looked like a deer in headlights so then he looked at Izzie for help. "George?"

"Support," He stammered.

Meredith shook her head and bit her tongue in order to keep her thoughts to herself. If she said anything to them she would regret it in the morning, and they were only trying to help. But she didn't want it. She didn't want there help or anyone else's. "Izzie, something's burning," Meredith replied flatly.

Izzie gasped. "Oh no, my cake! Alex cursed it, I'm going to kill him," She threw her hands up in the air and then stormed down the hall. George looked after her and then at Meredith.

"George, I need you!" Izzie yelled.

"Coming," George said. He looked after Izzie and then focused back on Meredith. "We're here for you just in case you need…"

"I'm good George," Meredith closed the door and exhaled as she looked back at Derek. "Being just friends obviously doesn't work between us, because I'll always want something more. When you love someone you can't just press a button to turn it off. Love stays like some sick and ugly disease, and every time you're near it strikes."

"I love you,"

"Stop,"

"Why,"

"Because you're playing games with me again," Meredith shook her head. "We've already had this conversation once today, and I don't want to talk about it anymore. Because I'm frustrated, tired, and so drained of energy."

"Believe me I'm not using you. That's just not me, and I would never do that to you." Derek looked down at the ground. "You know that Addison and I have been married for a while now, and I can't just throw it all away,"

"Yeah, for some silly intern that you had a one night stand with," Meredith snorted to herself as she made the comparison. "But then again she did cheat on you, so I guess I'm not as trashy as I sound,"

"You're not trashy," Derek defended.

"Well I am pathetic, that you can't argue with." Meredith paced around the room. She wrapped her arms around her body. "You should probably get back to her, because you're right she is your wife. No matter what she did, you're obligated to try and work things out, and I know that you wouldn't just walk away."

Derek placed his hand over his mouth. "Before I leave I need to know that you're going to be okay?"

"Be okay?" Meredith replied as she looked back at him incredulously.

"Yes, Addison is my wife and I'm with her. But that doesn't mean that I don't care about you. I'm trying my best here Meredith, I really am but it's not easy."

"Yes it is, just give me some time. And I mean seriously, don't corner me in stairwells and invite me to dinner, or kiss me in cars. We need to break this off before I completely lose it."

"Okay, I won't kiss you in cars, or corner you in stairwells anymore, but you can't make me stop caring."

"Just stop caring, it's simple as that." Meredith ordered.

"I know you're bossy but you don't scare me."

"You're joking with me again,"

Derek looked down at the bottle of beer on Meredith's dresser. It was unopened but he suspected that she was going to drink it later. "It's sad to drink alone," He picked up the bottle, but Meredith quickly snatched it from his hands.

"That's what depressed people do." Meredith blinked as she tried to wash away her shame. She begged for him to love her, and every time she ended up looking like a fool. Cristina minus as well pin a big red nose on her and call her BoBo the clown.

"So if I leave right now and walk out the door what's going to happen tomorrow," Derek asked.

"What do you mean what's going to happen tomorrow?"

"Are you going to ignore me," Derek asked.

"This isn't high school, if I do then so what."

"That's childish c'mon,"

"No, it's called moving on." Meredith directed at him. She raised her chin slightly, because she needed to get back her mojo…she was Meredith Grey, she could be with any other guy besides Derek…well not really, because she was pretty sure he was the best guy out there. Or maybe she was just warped. "I'm not sure what you expect from me but I have to move on with my life. I don't want to be 96 years old and living with a bunch of cats while waiting for you to divorce Addison for me. I need to stop dreaming and face reality, you don't love me…"

"I do,"

"No, you don't. I need to move on Derek, and I thought you were my future. Hell, I even wanted you to be my future even after I found out about Addison. I can't beg you anymore because I still have some pride left, go back to your wife, go back to Addison."

Derek crossed his arms as he looked back at Meredith. "You can ignore me all you want, but that won't change anything."

"Yes it will,"

"We can still be friends,"

"Friends is boring and pointless," Meredith mumbled.

"I'll buy you lunch tomorrow, and I'll sit at your table."

"I have my own lunch money,"

Derek smiled, "I thought I would at least get a smile,"

Meredith opened the door and then motioned out towards the hallway. "I don't feel like smiling right now. I just need to be alone,"

"No more jokes," Derek held up his hands in surrender. "I know you hate me right now, and you have every reason to, but I want to be a part of your life. I know that it sucks being just friends but I made a promise, and if I walked out on Addison without even trying then I wouldn't be a man,"

"Well I need a man…a real one," Meredith's eyebrows furrowed low over her eyes. Hurting him wasn't going to do any good. "We've pretty much beat this conversation into the ground. You're right ignoring you is childish, but for now I don't want to be you're friend. At least until I can get over this…" Meredith made a face as she looked back at him. "This crush,"

"So then that gives me time to get over it too," Derek whispered to himself. "Even though I doubt I ever will,"

Meredith stepped aside as Derek walked out the door. He looked over his shoulder, and their eyes connected. She watched him sadly and then closed the door behind him. Meredith picked up the bottle of beer which was now lying on her bed, "You're going to be my friend tonight, okay,"

* * *

Addison watched as Derek stepped into their tiny room. He pulled off his jacket without a word. She opened her mouth to say "hi" but he didn't even look at her. Addison looked down, and bit her lip as she watched him sadly. Mark asked her to meet him at Joe's, but she had turned him down because she wanted to work things out with Derek, but he didn't seem to care what happened with them. Addison massaged her forehead as Derek sunk down onto the bed next to her. He turned over on his side and scooted as far away from her as possible as if she were some kind of disease, or the main reason for his unhappiness. Addison was strong, but at the same time she was human. Countless times she had apologized to Derek, and he seemed to listen, but no matter what he said his actions spoke louder than words. She placed down the magazine in her hand and then pulled off her reading glasses.

"Turn off the light when you're finished," Derek said quietly.

Addison debated whether she should ask him if he was okay or not but she figured he wouldn't tell her what was wrong anyways so she decided against it. She reached forward and turned off the lights. Addison sunk down in the bed as well. Her eyes traveled around the darkened room. He was still in love with Meredith, and she knew that. But Addison needed to know if he still loved _her_. Addison turned to look at his body in the dark. Something was seriously bothering him.

* * *

Meredith tilted her head back as she downed her 2nd bottle of beer. Drinking alone was pathetic and sad especially when she felt like this. She had entertained the thought of going to Joe's and finding a guy, but with the way she was feeling right now she would be probably pick up some weirdo. And she didn't need a weirdo right now. She just needed someone to love her, and a one night stand wasn't going to do the job. Meredith squeezed her eyes shut as she thought about Derek. Love wasn't supposed to be painful, but this was. Did he even know how much it hurt to love him? She placed down the beer bottle and pulled the covers back. Meredith trudged towards the door, opened it and walked towards George's room. She wasn't surprised to find Izzie already there.

"Make some room for me," Meredith replied. George scooted over and even held back the covers for her, "Thanks, I don't want to be alone now."

"I thought he was really changing. I can understand once, but twice…no I've got to move on. Alex isn't going to change for anyone, the only person that he cares about is himself…and he made me burn my cake too." Izzie complained.

Meredith swallowed down a lump in her throat as she listened to Izzie. She wasn't even going to talk about Derek, because her whole world had been shaped around him, and now she needed to put her life back together. Pick up the pieces and cut her losses, because love wasn't supposed to hurt this much…it wasn't supposed to be a struggle.


End file.
